how often are you on the receiving end of a
You Should !

how do you feel when the S-phrase hits?

do you direct the S-phrase at others,
and how do they react when you should - them?

there are times when we need to give each other
feedback and direction

but feedback and direction are not easy to give,
and not easy to take

what are we to do -

how do we effectively give and accept advice
within parent-child, husband-wife,
supervisor-supervisee relationships?

it is something to PonderAbout

one resource is
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will
Talk (1999) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

what is human intelligence?

do you assume that intelligence is a single, homo-
geneous entity - like gold?

so that if you have 8 ounces and i have 4, you have
twice my intelligence, you are “twice as smart” as
i am?

or do you assume that intelligence is multi-dimen-
sional, consisting of several distinct components?

and if you assume that intelligence is multi-dimen-
sional, what are its dimensions?

we hear about verbal, spatial and, more recently,
emotional intelligence; are these truly different
and distinct?

and what about creativity, humor, and music?
are these dimensions of intelligence?

do you assume that IQ and SAT scores are valid
measures of intelligence?

do you believe that intelligence is a fixed trait,
determined by heredity and unchangeable?

or do you assume that intelligence is a set of ac-
quired skills; skills that can be developed through
effort?

these questions about the nature of intelligence
have long been among the most controversial in
the field psychology; and they are important to us -

important because what we assume about our
intelligence has a profound impact on how we feel
about ourselves, what we expect of ourselves,
and what we do with our lives

although perhaps uncomfortable, it is important
to PonderAbout the assumptions we make about
our “intelligence”

The central premise of Brain Sex (1992) is that
men and women are different because their brains
are different

the authors, Anne Moir Ph.D., geneticist, and
David Jessel, journalist, contend that sex-related
differences in brain structure and functioning
underlie observable differences in the aptitudes,
performance and behavior of men vs. women

the authors give many examples across the age
continuum and across abilities; vision is one example

the authors write,

Men see better than women in bright light.
Intriguing results also show that men tend to be
literally blinkered; they see in a narrow field - mild
tunnel vision - with greater concentration on depth.
They have a better sense of perspective than
women. Women, however, quite literally take in the
bigger picture. They have wider peripheral vision,
because they have more of the receptor rods and
cones in the retina, at the back of the eyeball, to
receive a wider arc of visual input.

differences between the sexes, whether real or
imagined, are always worth our while to PonderAbout

Brain Sex (1992) is food for thought.

psychiatrist Eric Berne studied human interaction

in Games People Play, (1964) Berne introduced the
psychoanalytic theory of Transactional Analysis, or
TA

the central concept of TA is the game;

it is defined as a set of social interactions that we
habitually and unconsciously play out when we inter-
act with others

factors that motivate us to play games include:

1) the desire for - attention, stimulation, connection,
confirmation of our assumptions, and

2 ) the desire to avoid - anxiety, responsibility and
intimacy

some 100 games are defined in Games People Play;
most are interactions that are hurtful and counterpro-
ductive, a few are positive and conducive to healthy
relationships

Now I’ve Got You - You Son of a Bitch!, as the
name implies, is one of the more hurtful games we
can play

in Got You!, as it is sometimes called, there are two
players - the Persecutor and the Victim

the Persecutor is the central player, he or she is
drawn to this game since it provides an opportunity
to vent anger and rage

in Got You!, the Persecutor waits for the Victim to
fail in some undertaking - and then he pounces

in addition to venting, the Persecutor’s habitual
involvement in Got You! is also reinforced by the
validation of one of his primary assumptions about
life, namely - “You can’t trust anybody!”

does Got You! seem familiar?

do you ever find yourself engaged in this game?

and if you do -

how does it feel?

do you tend to be on the giving or the receiving end
of the Got You! pounce?

and why are you playing?

we are rarely aware of our breathing

but the way we breathe
can tell us much about
how we are feeling

think about how you tend to breathe
when you are:
relaxed (slow, rhythmic, calm)
anxious (quick, shallow)
depressed (slow, shallow, occasional sighing)
fascinated (slow, shallow, occasional cessation)
sexually aroused (rapid, irregular)

so in a way, our breathing
is a kind of indicator of how we are feeling
at any given moment

some say that our breathing
can also be a regulator, a tool

they say that we can actually change
the way we are feeling
by consciously changing
the way we are breathing

for example,
if you are anxious and want to relax,
you would consciously adopt the breathing pattern
associated with relaxation -
you would take slower, deeper, more rhythmic breaths

the relationship between feeling and breathing
is one of those many overlooked things
that are right under our noses

things that would be worth our while
to PonderAbout